Loaves and Wishes

By Lawrence “Mack in Texas” Hall

Jesus told the crowd to sit down on the ground. Then he took the seven loaves and the fishes, and when he had given thanks, he broke them and gave them to the disciples, and they in turn to the people.  -St. Matthew

“Is there a vegan option?”

“Are these fish from renewable stocks?”

“Is this bread gluten free?”

“Is this all you’ve got – bread and fish?”

“Are your bread and fish locally sourced?”

“I have allergies, you know.”

“Could I see the menu?”

“I’d like my bread thinly sliced.”

“No dessert?”

“Yeah, I know who’s paying for this – the workin’ man. You can’t fool me.”

“I want a hamburger!”

“I want fried chicken!”

“Where’s your health certificate?”

“Waiter, I was here before these other people!”

“The presentation is deplorable. Don’t expect a tip, okay?”

“Sitting on the ground with The People! Oh, how quaint and colorful and ethnic! I feel almost like a good comrade! Will they do some of their funny little folk dances later? Should we toss coins at them?”

“Where’s the men’s room?”

“Is there a wine list?”

“I’ll start with a salad.”

“Not the milieu I would have chosen for a date night, of course, but it’s not bad.”

“I’ll expect my clergy discount.”

“No flatware? Napkins?”

“Could I have a doggie bag, please?”

“Tell me about your locally crafted beers.”

“I don’t see the nutritional information.”

“No, no, you’ve got it all wrong, waitress; I ordered the bread and fish and my friend ordered the fish and bread.”

“Is there a children’s menu?”

“If I get sick from this unrefrigerated food you’ll be hearing from my lawyer.”

“Is there a plug-in for my ‘phone?”

“Please seat my party with a view of a nicer rock than this.”

“But don’t seat us next to any Romans.”

“Don’t seat us next to any Pharisees.”

“Don’t seat us next to any Sadducees.”

“Don’t seat us next to any Cyrenians.”

“Don’t seat us next to any Egyptians.”

“Don’t seat us next to any Ethiopians.”

“Don’t seat us next to any Samaritans.”

“Don’t seat us next to any Judaeans.”

“Don’t seat us next to any Galileans.”

“Oh – the Host is a Galilean? Really?”

“Don’t seat us next to any Arabians.”

“Don’t seat us next to any Hellenes.”

“Don’t seat us next to any Canaanites.”

“Don’t seat us next to any Edomites.”

“What’s an Edomite?”

“Hey, my brother-in-law’s an Edomite! Ya wanna make something of it? Just open yer mouth one more time about Edomites!”

“This is nice. We should come here more often.”


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