By T.K. Wilson (PG)
I was a bit of a pushover when I was in my 20s. I still am, honestly. But the summer I ended up driving across the state of Ohio to visit the Creation Museum is both a fond memory and an exercise in frustration.
The journey began at my grandparent’s house in the Cleveland Area. I was kind of excited to go, of course, because I’d heard great things, and we would stop at other nearby zoos (namely Cincinnati and Toledo) on our way through. We got into the car for the two-day trip and drove to Cincinnati the first day. The trip was largely uneventful, except for getting a BLT at a Hardees that was nothing but the B and cheese. Thinking about it now, it was rather funny, but I was a mess with anxiety, which only got worse as time went on, as this was the summer I suffered my first major attack of religious OCD.
At Cincinnati, we admired the beautiful grounds and the unique animals, including their huge troop of Gorillas. For those of you in the know, yes… I believe we did see Harambe.
As we passed the Gorillas, I walked clear on the other side of the boardwalk, saying to my brother.
“There’s WAY too many gorillas, this enclosure is way too small. Someone could throw something at the gorillas to make them angry. An angry silverback could jump that moat.”
That was basically how I talked about it, I was so nervous.
Lo and behold, I was right, not long after, Harambe was shot after a child fell into the moat.
Toledo was another adventure, where we admired the buildings which had been standing since the turn of the last century. I loved the aquarium especially; aquariums are my jam. They’re much lower in stimulation, and generally quieter than other parts of the zoo. The rest of Toledo was… well, a post-industrial hellscape which gave me some great story ideas.
Finally, we arrived at our destination. The first thing that struck me was the giant hole in the brontosaurus sculpture at the entrance and the bomb-sniffing dogs. Red flags shot up immediately. Some of our fellow patrons were a Mennonite family of a mom, a dad, and four adorable girls, one of whom was in a little stroller. This comes into play later.
When we entered the building and paid for our tickets, I spent some time admiring a large aquarium full of freshwater fish, and posed next to them were some rather creepy animatronic children. Think of the Gelflings from The Dark Crystal only with the creep factor taken up to ten due to them looking like folks. The next thing that really caught my attention was a cage of pretty finches, zebra finches of all different feather morphs. I love zebra finches so I spent a few moments admiring them. Then we entered the museum proper.
At this point in my life, I don’t think Genesis is as literal as Ken Ham insisted, and even at that point I was doubtful of some of the claims. But what really got me were the waxworks dummies.
It was at that point that I realized- MAN, I don’t like mannequins! I love dolls, but I don’t like mannequins.
Everywhere I turned, there were creepy waxworks and tons and TONS of people. The place was packed to the gunnels with humanity. I kept close to my grandma, who seemed to understand I didn’t like the crowds. The pathways were narrow, some of the halls even worse.
The dioramas in the first part of the museum depict Adam and Eve in Eden, surrounded by what Mr. Ham says were the first animals. But as you go down the hall, you eventually get to Satan himself. Now, they depict Satan as a beautiful, but terrifying mix of an Oriental dragon and an eyelash viper, which is probably the only really accurate thing about the place.
Then you’re faced with Adam and Eve witnessing the first animal sacrifice, which in my opinion was not very tastefully done, especially when the sacrificed animals were the friendly antelope animals that had been with Adam and Eve in every previous diorama, so it was almost like God killed their pets for the sacrifice. Which I suppose IS accurate, but I question the wisdom.
Then we came to the worst part of all. A narrow dark hallway, where a black and white movie plays on the effects of sin- death, suffering, pain in childbirth, complete with sounds of screaming and crying. Now this would be bad in and of itself, but the crowd bottlenecked inside the hallway. Right next to us was the poor Mennonite mother, pushing the baby in her stroller. The crowd got so dense I was starting to get scared, the poor mom was scared and trying to get the baby out, her other daughters were up ahead with their dad, thank goodness. My grandma was almost ready to help carry the baby out!
Finally, we all got out and I said to myself, “I am NEVER doing that again. If there’s an emergency, everyone’s dying in that room – it’s a fire trap!”
We got into the room about the construction of Noah’s Ark next. Fortunately, there was room to move, but then I was surrounded by TALKING wax dummies and the mass of humanity that had come through the hall with us. The Noah animatronic intoned “Judgement is coming, my friends…” looking like a mixture of Charleton Heston and the creepy puppets from Thunderbirds.
Due to my anxiety passing through that room and the OCD symptoms I was experiencing, the rest of the trip is pretty much a blur. I just couldn’t shake that scare from the bottleneck! That day I discovered that yes, I am claustrophobic, and no, I would not do well in a city with a population of more than a few thousand. I also was less than impressed with the Creation Museum as a whole. How? WHY?! Let me explain.
Number one, this vision of the evangelical Disneyland has got to go. It sure isn’t Disneyland, and people need to stop pretending it is. No amount of “dragons were dinosaurs” rhetoric is going to make it Disneyland. Number two, you’re being charged a premium price for… quite honestly not a whole lot. Some creepy animatronics and the ego of one man are not enough for a theme park. Yes, I said that.
I am of the personal opinion that Mr. Ham and his followers have a problem, and that problem is the idea that they are the arbiters of truth when it comes to Genesis. Their way or the highway; they think they know the mind of God. Hubris of the highest order, and if there’s one thing I can’t stand, it’s humans acting like they know the full mind of the Almighty. However, God has allowed them to exist for this long, and I’ve learned not to pry into the privy councils of my Lord.
Would I recommend the Creation Museum? No. Am I glad I went? I’m grateful to have spent time with my grandparents. Sometimes that’s how life is – you do something that you might not choose for yourself because of other people. But will I encourage people to go there? Absolutely not! Rather, I would say to visit the Toledo or Cincinnati zoos and to visit some of the historic churches in the area, of which there are several beautiful ones. You’re likely to be better educated on Church history and creation from those than from this museum.
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